I am waiting for my food in the oven to be done. So I'll write.

I feel more myself. I cooked today. I'm cooking now. Freestyle granola in the oven at 1:20 AM? Sounds like that time I got off evening shift and cooked a pound of bacon.

I was hungry, okay?

Went back to the doc this week, and mentioned that I didn't notice any significant improvement in my energy/motivation levels since the first week of meds. His response was to up the dose by half a pill, and do the same in two weeks if there's no further change. Gave me a big prescription to match and said to keep in touch. I like him--action oriented. Prescribes pills. Good stuff. Too bad the idea of having a male GP skeeves me out just a little.

I've been back at the gym this week--got four "workouts" in. I can't help but think that that's the big help. Combined with the doc's suggestion that if the meds aren't working it might be a sign that a lifestyle change is in order, maybe this adds weight to the "I need to drop my FTE so I can work less and workout more" theory.

I just stirred the granola. It looks like hell. Damn.

I'm hoping I can discontinue the meds at some point. I don't typically get a lot of side effects from most medications, but I have a few noticeable side effects here--dry mouth, night sweats--plus no more craft beer or Spanish wine. (Damn.) Then there's also that recent news about SSRIs and how they might mess up the brain more than they'll fix it. That would be crappy. Especially since my brain doesn't function normally as it is, never mind under the influence of any given pharmaceutical.

I'm hoping I can sort out whatever's accumulated in my brain. Most days, I feel like my brain is cluttered. I keep the part that I need for work (and luckily, the part that manages all that breathing and blinking and coordinating my muscles--most of the time) under control, but unless I'm at work or trying not to die at the gym, I can't seem to think straight. I know it's probably depression-fog, but it's frustrating. Especially when I can't seem to enjoy things that other people enjoy--social contact, society-perfect relationships, Real Housewives marathons--because I'm too busy thinking, "Should I enjoy this? Probably. Enjoy it. Come on, ENJOY it."

Maybe I just think too much when I should go with instinct. Maybe I need to start speaking my mind.

But I know for sure that I should definitely take that granola out of the oven now. I suspect that cleaning up after a burnt batch of oil, honey, and nuts is not fun at 2 AM, even if you're trying to turn around for nights.