Something New

Originally written June 2014.

Homework:

1. Make a list of the good things about yourself. Actually write down the evidence that proves that you are good enough at whatever you are good enough at. Write down the evidence that shows that you live a fulfilling life right now, despite what you think you are missing that you need to have to be fulfilled.

2. Keep track of all the "shoulds" in your mind. When you think you "should" do or be something, note it.


I started counselling today. After a week-and-a-half of antidepressants, I felt calm enough about going to the appointment, and trusting enough that I wouldn't get kicked out of the counsellor's office for my not-quite-earth-shattering problems.

I still don't like talking about myself, though. Especially that part that has all kinds of feelings.

I filled out a questionnaire before actually sitting down with the counsellor. It was around 150 questions long, and a few felt like repeats. It felt like some kind of interrogation... how many re-phrased versions of the question do we have to ask before you trip up? She wasn't kidding when she said to show up half an hour early to finish the paperwork.

After that was done, we went and sat down in her office. We talked about what I'd like to gain from counselling--I want to regain my drive and motivation--and how long it's been since I've felt like I had drive and motivation--about four months or so--and if anything happened four months or so ago that might have fostered this loss of drive and motivation--well, I broke it off with my ex...

Then I started getting weepy. Fuck.

She asked if we could talk about it, and I said yes. And I meant yes. Somehow, it's much easier for me to talk about upsetting things with strangers. I don't need to maintain an in-control, cool persona around strangers. I can be upset around strangers.

I said that I felt guilty about leaving him. I said that I left because I hadn't seen any spark or motivation from him, but that I felt I should have been able to show him the path to being driven and motivated and employed and interested in life. I said that I felt guilty for abandoning him, and when she asked if those were his words, I said no, not directly, but that that was the implication.

She asked if it was my responsibility to have done this for him. I said no, and I know that logically, but I feel different than I think. She asked what would have happened if I had been able to be a better partner--if I had given more and required less--and I said I would have resented him more and more. By the end of the relationship I was already a fuming little ball of resentment. Although now I'm not sure if I resented him more, or myself.

She suggested that maybe I haven't grieved the loss of the relationship thoroughly. She explained that this doesn't mean that I'm not greiving the person, but rather that I'm still processing the loss of what could have been: fun roadtrips, spontaneous coffee dates, drinking wine until 2am, and maybe someday something a little more committed than a toothbrush in the medicine cabinet.

Genius.

She framed a lot of things in a way that I hadn't considered, and while I still don't fully trust that her frame is real and not something contrived to just make me feel better, it's got the wheels in my head turning.

I can't say I feel like a weight's been lifted--I am exhausted. But I am looking forward to another session. I learned something today. I haven't learned anything in... about four months or so.