Visit 2

Originally written June 2014.

Homework:

1. Revise all positive attributes into "I am..." statements. "I am loyal." "I am dependable." "I am kind." Surround yourself with these attributes--write stickies, use as a mantra, etc. Ask a few of your friends, a few of your coworkers, and your parents what their top three positive attributes of yours are. Write them down. Turn them into "I am..." statements. Surround yourself with them.
2. Pick the three hardest positive attributes to believe, and make a list of times when you displayed those positive attributes. Consider other perspectives (him vs. me) and other definitions (book-smart vs. wise).
3. Keep at that list of "shoulds". Note down any times you think you "should" do/say/be/enjoy something.

Second visit with the counsellor this week. Managed to get half the homework done--I made a 10-item list of things that are positive attributes about myself, and a scrawled a few notes about the things that make my life fulfilling. Didn't get around to my list of "shoulds".

We went over a plan. The goal is to increase my self-worth. She said that she thinks I can manage the symptoms of depression on my own, and that we will focus on a broader picture. There were four sub-goals: define positive attributes, grieve relationships that are lost, set healthy personal boundaries, and... something else that I can't remember right now.

We started by getting into my list of positive attributes. She asked what I thought about my list, and I said that I think it could be longer, but I feel inhibited--I can't seem to think up anything positive about myself without also thinking, "Yeah, but...". Then she said, "Pretend you're your best friend--what would she say?" I was able to add a few things to the list. Then, "Pretend you're your coworker." Then, "Pretend you're your parents."

There was a lot of awkward-feeling silence... I have a hard time envisioning other people thinking positively about me. It feels conceited to say nice things about myself. After all, modesty is virtuous, and nobody likes a bragger. Right?

I managed to double my list, with her help. She then explained that sometimes it feels more believable to hear people say positive things rather than to write down what you think they'd say. Hence, the homework assignment: ask a few of your friends, a few of your coworkers, and your parents what their top three positive attributes of yours are. I foresee some weird emotional moments ahead....

Driving home, I thought to myself that this isn't going to be an easy process. Damn.

Oh well. Onward.